How to Name Your Child: A recommendation systems approach

Naming is a hard problem. I’m navigating this maze for the second time, so naturally I’ve decided to write down my process — as one does.

At its core, naming is essentially a recommendation system problem: picking the most relevant name from a massive pool of options. Here’s my structured guide to help you through it.

1. Retrieval Phase – cast the net

Start wide, but not blind. Write down the most important filtering criteria for you. Try not to be too aggressive. Narrow it down to the ones that matter the most. 

Here are mine:

  • Vintage names only. I’m after dusty-scroll vibes, not Silicon Valley’s latest robot prototype. The name should have survived since the 18th century or earlier.
  • Six letters max. This one is easy, I refuse to spell a name over phone calls or in Starbucks queues longer than absolutely necessary.
  • Must mean something aspirational. “Brave,” “wise,” “cool with 3 a.m. diaper changes”… you get the idea.
  • Indian roots. Grandma-approved to ensure familial peace and not feel like a stranger.

Now with these criteria, it’s time to go through baby-name websites, ask family WhatsApp groups, friends with similar tastes, and ChatGPT. You should be able to reel in 50-ish possibilities without breaking a sweat.

2. Ranking Phase – prioritize

Now we cull the herd. It’s the time to be aggressive. The goal of this phase is to rank the list and surface the top 5-10 names.

  • One-strike veto: if either parent cringes, immediately remove it. Democracy ends here.
  • Nickname nightmares: imagine playground rhymes – If the name invites mockery, delete it instantly. 
  • Gut feel sort: Your gut is your best-trained recommendation engine, running on decades of intuition, biases, and late-night snacks. Shuffle until your top five make you smile more than cringe.

If you somehow ended up with 500 names in retrieval instead of 50, it might be worth running separate early stage ranking to make your job easier. 

3. Control Phase – test and validate

Time to run the time consuming, real-world tests you avoided earlier because of the sheer number of candidates.

  • Starbucks check: order a latte under the name. If it’s served to “Bred,” ditch “Ved.” (note: most of the names won’t stand this test, so decide how aggressive you want the thresholds to be)
  • Yell test: shout it across a park. Does it roll off the tongue or sound like a Wi-Fi password?
  • Womb beta: start using the name with the bump, Does it feel natural, or does it make you question your life decisions?
  • Sibling Compatibility: Ensure the existing sibling enjoys saying the name and shows genuine preference, preventing future sibling beatings or relentless ragging.
  • Google it: A quick sanity test to ensure there’s no infamous social media trend or person already ruining the name for eternity.

Survivors – usually one or two – become the top ranked candidates. If you end up with zero, ignore everything above and grab whichever name sparks joy at 2 a.m. Babies rarely appreciate structured decision-making anyway.

TL;DR

Retrieve broadly, Rank ruthlessly, and run Control tests in the wild.

You may also like